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Kevin Merchandise

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[19 Mar 2016|11:41am]
I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's funny. when I was a kid and going through my depression and felt so incredibly alone, I was atually happier than I've been the past 7 years. After turning 25, everything seemed to go down hill so fucking fast--in every aspect of my life. I think the difference between now and then is that atleast when I was alone, the source of my misery was internal. I did a lot of work with my therapist to help me with my social anxiety with some amazing results.  I could not have asked for a better outcome! But sometimes when we get what we want, we discover that it comes with a hidden layer of bullshit so thick, it renders any positives null and void. I've persued all of my dreams and goals I set for myself as a youngling and achieved them, only to find out that dreams are just that....dreams. Not reality, AT ALL.

Take this shitty relationship I'm ending. Been together 5 years and still cannot get this man to trust me. You know what happens when I'm accused of lying and cheating when I've actually been extremely devoted and faithful? I start lying and cheating. If I'm gonna go through the hell of being constantly accused of cheating by an insecure man, of being told that I can't be trusted by a man who lied to me for 4 years about his HIV status, who doesn't respect me, who emotionally abuses me...then I'm gonna do ME, and not worry about another soul.

He's in for a very rude awakening. I know too much insider info for him to ever try and fuck me over. He gets two months before I move out, and even that's too fucking long but I need time to get rid of all this shit in this apartment and fundraise. I fucking hate men. This entire journal has been about me complaining about them and dealing with the same shit over and over. It's beyond tired. From what I've seen and experienced, the majority of gay men are too insecure to even have a semblance of a funcitioning relationship. How many married 'straight' guys damn near knock down my door trying to get me to fuck them while their wives have no clue? How many partnered gay dudes are on a4a/grindr/jack'd all fucking day like it's their job because they're not satisfied with the lump they have to sleep next to at night? How many gay men fall for this heteronormative lifestyle bullshit before they realize there's a reason straight people fail at it so often?

I honestly believe most relationships are dead within the first six months and then after that it's constant upkeep. Like trying to reanimate a dead body. It also doesn't help when the jackass pretends to be someone he's not just to reel you in, and you learn this near the end of that 6 months, or like me....YEARS LATER! It never ceases to amaze me how willfully ignorant I can be with men. I've always known they would dissapoint me, gave them a ton of chances to prove my younger self wrong...and nope. They still ain't shit when it comes to platonic or romantic relationships. Self-centered, socially retarded children who barely even know how to carry an adult conversation before they bring up sex, physical attraction, or something incredibly vapid. The niggas even steal from me...lawd! Lol

I'm looking forward to a life of isolation and peace of mind. I never needed other people to be happy, and the few I've kept around are all I will ever need. i'm not interested in torturing myself by associating with sub-standard human beings. Our relationships are always more beneficial to them than for me anyway. What the fuck I get out it? Some selfies? Two big bowls of regret? Cause that's literally all that's left after these people are gone. Me, regretting the time I wasted and photographs.
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[18 Aug 2015|01:42pm]
I haven't used this account in eons, so color me suprised to find this gem waiting to be restored from a previous draft! It's obviously me venting my frustrations dealing with Jay, but I never sent this to him. For those that are wondering, I completely stopped fucking with Jay in July of 2011 and have been with Stefan ever since. We live together (away from my family) have two cats, are very comfortable, and have plenty of weed, thank you very much. Jay contacted me on my last birthday and I basically told him everything mentioned in this rant. He apologized and I told him it meant a lot to me, when in fact, it meant absolutely nothing to me. Two months after I left him for good, he gets into a relationship with a 21yo (Jay is 44yo) and they were still together at that time he contacted me. Jay moved this kid in months after dating when I couldn't get him to commit to me after 7 years of fuckery. Obviously this kid didn't just start seeing Jay in November. They were fucking around when he was trying to be with me. I know because he forgot he mentioned him to me after we started speaking again in early 2011. I chose to leave Jay because he could never be trusted. He manipulates young men into thinking they owe him the world, when he doesn't deserve to be in the same room as them.

Liar, liar.

So, no...apology not accepted. In fact, I hope you catch a disease and your dick liquifies.

You murderer.

"So basically I'm writing this to tell you that you're all full of shit and I want nothing more to do with you. Up until this point all you've been is a complete nuisance to me and my friends over the years and that's something that i cant really deal with anymore. I mean, it's been too long, too much, and too dramatic for me to put up with any longer. i just have this thing where if people let me know that i cant trust them then I dont really wan them anywhere near me or my loved ones. Is that so hard to understand? You told me today how you love me and how I was 'yours first" and a bunch of other bullshit that I cant' really take seriously. We've known eachotehr what now, seven years/.  hOw could you be such an complete and utter jerk towards me for all this time then turn aroundand expcet me to just fall for all the stupid shit you say to me over the interweb. I find that very hard to beleive and Its not something that I plan on doing again....repeatedly...forever...until we both get tired of it. . Yes love is difficult but anything worth having is always gonna be worth it baby. I sit and think about all the bullshit we used to talk about and stuff that we would plan and it was all a lie. if possible I would go back in time and erase the moment I even allowed yout o speak to me. bitter? No. Just completley over dealing with bullshit ass guys such as yourself. Sometimes Im not sure but I think it's something that we both have got to get over otherwise it is bound to consume us both until there is nothing left. I know for me this has been hard as hell these past three years just getting over the fact of what happened and realising that love is a horrible bitch goddess from hell that I dont really want anything to do with. I think we're all fooled into thinking that love conqueres all and all this other romantic comedy bullshit that builds us all up only to let us down in the end. I think it's pathetic when people like amber come at me with all these lovey dovey bullshit that I just cant seem to cope with."
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Mi blog-o [24 Dec 2010|08:16pm]
[ mood | amused ]


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Sex-sex-sex-o [19 Nov 2010|12:49pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

 I shot buckets...

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**RANT**RANT**RANT** [11 Nov 2010|07:30pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I really would appreciate it if people would shut the hell up about bullying like it's a new phenomenon...like we're not all guilty of participating in the act at some point...like we don't shake our heads and turn our noses up at celebrities in judgement when they fail on a daily basis (ONTD, Perez, etc.) Like gay men don't gang up on other gay men to make them feel like crap, cause lord knows...there's not enough people doing it. Our culture encourages this type of behaviour on a disgusting level. This attempt at awareness is long overdue and frankly, I feel like wearing purple is not going to prevent kids from stuffing queers in lockers...or killing us. Work to get stiffer federal laws against harassment passed and actually enforce them, but don't make "Stop Bullying" the new "Save Darfur" or next fashionable cause to be used as subject matter for t-shirts and TV shows.

Yeah, I'm talkin' bout that Glee shit. 

I totally admit it...I'm a cynical fuck, but I'm also able to back up my words with actions. I've always defended people against bullies....ALWAYS, and sometimes things got physical. It just annoys the hell outta me when people throw money at causes, or just pay lip-service to shit without actions to back it up. These computers make it too easy to sit here and type out our frustrations rather than actually DO something. Protests, boycotts....why go outside when you can sign an online petition? I'm not calling for anarchy but people don't get angry enough these days unless it's racially motivated. And there's plenty to be pissed about right now.

That said...I'm volunteering my time with a friend of mine to speak to some jr. high school kids, teachers and administration staff about queer-specific bullying....sorta like group therapy. This should be interesting.....and I'll try not to let me temper get the best of me.

I'm just an irritable bitch this week after hearing so much bad news. I'm so sick of hearing about really, bad, fuckin news everyday. At this point, I'm about ready to move somewhere very secluded and just sit there and meditate until I hover the hell outta here.

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Really? [29 Jun 2010|03:02pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

So, I'm talking to this fellow who works for a local free clinic and he tells me some rather scary statistics. Apparently, half...HALF of the black men in the bay area are HIV positive.


When you add in other ethnic groups, the number of HIV positive men in the San Francisco Bay Area is close to 66%. This confirms what I've already discovered for myself in the gay dating scene here. Is AIDS prevention a lost cause? Has everyone just thrown in the towel? These numbers make me sort of angry and frustrated. What's a young gay man to do?

I don't "do" celibacy, and having a bf means absolutely nothing in regards to not contracting any STI. It's more than about having sex, this has a huge impact on dating in general. You basically are in a situation where you have to open yourself up to the idea of dating poz men and use condoms, or be single and use condoms. I don't even know if that last sentence made sense, but the situation is SO frustrating...I just don't know what to think anymore.

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Summer Break 2009 [30 Aug 2009|12:00pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I'm leaving for Vegas tomorrow....wish me luck ;-)

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I'd rather be... [12 Aug 2009|09:23pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

The following songs are in a very weird category. They're both depressing and uplifting to me. I've never been into the whole "emo" scene, but I've always felt like sometimes it actually feels good to feel sad and nostalgic and reflect on life. My love life is stable, these songs do not reflect the current state of things, but they do remind me of past crushes, loves, and relationships I've had with guys.

"Well I guess some boys adored me, but the one I loved ignored me."

What a terrifying group of words. This song is gorgeous and reminds me of  shitty relationships past, and for some reason sitting in my room in the summer of 98 wondering when I would find a love like the two boys in A Beautiful Thing.....I hate them now that I know the truth. I hate them both so much for feeding me a fantasy and giving me false hope.

"Confidunce, taken in...byyya sun-tan...and a grin"

Seriously, one of the best bands to ever record a song. You HAVE to turn it up loud to experience those drums.

I don't care where I am, or who I'm with when I hear this song...I have to sing along to that chorus and cry my fuckin eyes out.  One of the few songs that, in my opinion, is pure emotion. I have felt every word of these lyrics at some point.


"Hearing sounds of....cel-e-braaashuns. Makes me looonely, too."
Can't embed this one, but I just discovered it this year and it's become one of my top ten favorite songs of all time. The video and song drips with New Romanticism in every note and shot. I love, love, LOVE this video.

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[20 Mar 2009|12:27am]
[ mood | idfjhl ]

I am FREAKING the fuck OUUT!

I'll explain after Saturday.

This is so fucking weird. If this is happening....I'm just...

what the fuck, dude?

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Gayz be dumb. [25 Feb 2009|11:23pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Sometimes I really don't like gay men. It's not a self-hate thing, maybe I should clarify.

I really don't like the average self-hating, insecure as all hell, white boy worshipping, gay man of color. I have no issues with race, that isn't what this is about. I routinely date and fuck outside of my race and am well on my way to having been with a man from each country on Earth. However, my issue lies with the widely held idea (especially in the porn I've seen in the last few weeks and in popular gay culture) that young, white men are somehow more valuable than the rest of us.

This issue has been thrust in my face so much the past 2 months at work, in the porn I'm seeing online and a number of gay men I've talked to that it's starting to kinda piss me off. I could care less what others find physically attractive. Again, interracial dating is not what this post is about, but rather how I'm being told that an attractive white male is of more value than an attractive man of color. Saul at (blank) Models where I do freelance styling with from time to time told me last week that the agency was basically going to start cutting back on hiring black male models since the ones they have haven't been getting a lot of bookings, high profile or otherwise because "There's not much demand for black men at the moment in the industry". Mind you, the fashion industry has been hit hard by the economy, but why not Asian or Latino, etc.? Is the black man such a threat? Is the stigma attached to us THAT fucking detrimental that even when we're lusted after and praised for our bbc's (big black cock's for those that don't know) we're still considered less than at the end of the day? Dismissed as a novelty?

Fuck that shit.

I was having a conversation with a gay black friend online and I mentioned how I felt like a minority within a minority within a minority among gay men and that gay men are some of the most insecure people on earth...that's why so many of them label themselves "str8 acting" in pursuit of this masculine ideal that in reality, doesn't even truly exist for straight men. So many gay men I've come across are in awe of straight guys and I understand their fucked up mentality but I strongly disagree. We actually have it a lot better than them and a lot of straight men secretly envy the freedom that comes with being a secure, gay male...if they aren't already curious about dick themselves (which I'm finding that more than half of them are).

I've always said that if I died, I'd want to come back as gay, a person of color, and a man. I enjoy being me and I love the perks. it would be cool to find out what an orgasm feels like as a woman though. I have a feeling it's better than ours.

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pRon [10 Feb 2009|04:38pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I'm obsessed with porn these days...more than usual. It's not just videos and blogs either. I'm re-discovering all the vintage porn I used to steal when I was a kid. Stuff like Physique Pictorial, all the Taschen coffee table books on male nudes and Tom of Finland have found their way back into my rotation. I love the photography in the porn from the 30's-60's. Something about those shots is so hot to me. I'm thinking it has to do with the fact that being gay was so beyond taboo back then that the fact that these graphic images of naked men exist in such a climate is very boner-inducing. That...and I have a thing for men's style of the 40's and 50's. The best shots though, have to be locker room photos of professional athletes from the 50's.....HOT SHIZNIT.


Tickets from California to NYC are $119 on VirginAmerica.  Father's hide your sons, wives hide your Dominican men....I'm coming for them all.

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Political acid house music to sex to. [27 Jan 2009|05:33pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

I love this song tremendously.

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Hot like fire [13 Jan 2009|12:39pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Ok, why the hell is it 67 degrees outside in the middle of winter? I know this is California, but this is just bizzare.  For the past 2 months it's been unusually cold. As early as last Friday, I refused to go bar hopping because it was too damn cold out, and last night I went bike riding shirtless at 8 at night.

Global warming is kinda great. Accept for when summer hits and everything is on fire due to the drought, but other than that hot weather means hot sex, more outdoor adventures and cool clothing options.

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Winter Solstice [18 Dec 2008|09:11pm]
[ mood | Amanda Blank ]

I've lost a little bit of my mind over the last coupla weeks. There's been some intense depression and anxiety going on...taking of unprescribed percocet (bad, I know. but it's been one...and it helped) moodiness, irritability, impulsive behavior kicking into overdrive, etc. Basically, I'm 13 years old again mental health-wise. I'm not depressed over a man though, as someone suggested. No man's cum is sweet enough to drive me crazy....no man on earth. No, my issues go far deeper and hopefully some therapy will clear all this shit up. Yes, I've hit a rough patch the last coupla weeks but I'm at a point where I have the mental capacity to try and dig myself out. It's also possible I'm being totally dramatic and will kick myself in the ass for all of this in a few months...we'll see.

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I'm nervous, you guys... [04 Nov 2008|12:06am]
[ mood | hopeful ]


there's so much meaning in this for me. whatever happens, I'm gonna go scream in the streets. should he triumph, I'm gonna be extremely kind and smile at everyone until my jaws ache.

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One I wish, I never played.... [19 Aug 2008|09:38am]
[ mood | cynical ]

(this post is really funny if you read it in the voice of Jennifer "The Loser Queen of Relationships" Aniston. I don't think she's a loser, I just think it's fucked up how she's seen as such cause she's not married and miserable with 80 babies)


I've been trying not to post anything Glen-related, but I've never been good at concealing my feelings. We've been corresponding a little lately and I've been keeping quiet about it since I made the declaration that I wasn't going to talk to him until enough time had passed until I could put what happened in London behind me.  About a month ago after I deleted my facebook account, Amber told me an hour later, Glen messaged her and asked why I had left. She told him " It was because of you" which I really wish she hadn't. I deleted it because I didn't have a need for it and because I didn't need constant updates on how Glen's life is running just smoothly without me in it. Meanwhile, I'm as lost as I've ever been and every area of my life is in shambles. It served no other purpose than to make me feel bad about myself, and who needs that?

He told Amber to tell me to call him and I didn't even make the effort to do so. I messaged him on msn and told him why I deleted my facebook. He sent me one back telling me how it's totally up to me wether or not I want to correspond with him and I got the sense that he understood (finally) that this hasn't been easy for me (despite my many attempts to make it seem that way). I told him that I couldn't force it and that talking to him did nothing but remind me of how humiliated and dissapointed I feel.

I regret not telling him why I feel humiliated. I feel like I had all these extremely childish, naive hopes and desires that I knew were going to lead me nowhere but nevertheless, I followed these feelings all the way to London only to be told (unprovoked) "I just can't be in an intimate relationship right now"....which lead to me crying in a club. I never went to London expecting to leave with a boyfriend. I went there to see someone who had waited forever to see me and to spend two weeks being flirty, romantic, and having some good sex. What I got was a shitload of awkwardness on his part, an unprovoked rejection (when I had proposed NOTHING), and what I felt was him faking his feelings toward me to not make me upset, when in fact that had the opposite effect. I feel humiliated by my own doing...not his. I'd been in this situation before and I should've known better. I feel humiliated because I'm still hurting. I don't even know what love is, but I do know that I cared for this man immensely and he lead me to beleive he felt the same. He still tells me he cares and blah, blah, blah, but we can't work with the distance and all.

I never proposed a long distance relationship or any relationship, just to be clear. I wanted to find out if all the things he said to me still applied once we were in the same room and suprise-fuckin-surprise.....apparently they did not.

I told him in my message that I had nothing good to tell him and at this point in my life I'm just lost. Which is all true, I have no good news to share and I'm trying to repair my life after the great crash of '08 and i don't want him to be a part of that. How can we talk about my problems when most of my disillusionment can be credited to him?!

I'm incredibly disillusioned (I refuse to call it a quarter life crises) and I'm just trying to deal with it all the best I can. I don't hate him and I told him that I hope things can be easy between us as they were in the past but that day will not come in 2008. I need to get through this....without him.

More than anything, I miss my friend. I miss not having to associate him with tears or anger. Everytime I think i've cried my last cry over the situation, I play "Love is a losing game" by Amy Winehouse and the tears just start rolling.

Amber thinks that I don't wanna talk to him right now because "he's winning". Meaning my life is shit, while his is running like a well oiled machine. But I told her it's not even about that for me. I don't wanna 'beat' him. I know that eventually I"ll be just fine and it's a given that I'll have the upper hand in the end....that's just the law of life. For me, winning is still having him as a friend and not even desiring him in a romantic sense.

I needed to learn this lesson though. I needed to learn that you can work your hardest to achieve something...give it a 110%...and STILL fall flat on your face due to circumstances beyond your control. There's no such thing as a sure thing.

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if I ever feel better [12 Aug 2008|11:07am]
[ mood | stressed ]

I'm working six days a week these days and I'm constantly exhausted and I don't have time to do anything else. And I'm still not making enough to pay down my debt. School is coming up and I doubt I'll be getting financial aid and oh yeah...I still haven't registered. Is this what it means to be an adult? Constant stress and barely any time for myself or others?

Fuck that shit.

I sat down with a counselor and talked about going into teaching. I'm still going to create my own clothing line and boutique, but I need a stable career to support my art....and most importantly, myself. I don't feel like I'm settling at all. I've always thought of being a teacher and my family is full of them and most of my friends are, and two ex lovers are teachers as well. I don't plan to retire as one but I can totally see myself on a job with the summer months off. I'm aiming to teach high school english....maybe art, but I want to teach on the high school level.

Life is hard right now. I'm too tired for sex!!! Now you know it's bad when I'm too tired to pump my hips.

I'm so desperate for assistance, I'm considering prayer. I feel stuck...shackled by the earlier events of this year and my crippling debt. I can't go to jail for tax evasion. Jail would be the end of me. I know that's the worse case scenario but it's still a threat.

It sucks to see people dumber than me complete school. But I can't compare myself to others, everyone's situation is different, I know.

I can't wait until my twenties are over. Youth is much overrated.

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Don't Dance [08 Aug 2008|01:03pm]
[ mood | blank ]


I've been internet-less for the past 7months, so I've been out of the loop when it comes to music for the most part. I had no fucking clue there was an AMAZINGLY GAY video for this song. I'm mesmerized by the dancing, the sets...the costumes and styling. It has it's tacky points but that's kinda what I love about it. It's just so modern...so 80's influenced...and so unabashedly gay that I can't resist. My favorite part is the first 2 minutes and the very beginning when you don't know what the hell is going on. I've watched it probably 60 times and each time I catch something different. My favorite dancers are the huge gay dude in the ruffled top with the tattooed head, the black chick with the puffy sleeves, the vogueing skinny black dude with the hoodie on (there's like, 4 of them)...and janet.

The choreography is so on point, it's scary. I love how intricate it seems and how each dancer has their own moves/personality that come together when they all start dancing in unison.

Everything about this video SCREAMS Liquid Sky. If you don't know what Liquid Sky is....

I also play random techno songs to it with the volume down and it synchs up quite nice. "Don't Dance" by Hot Chip is per-fucking-fect with this video.

I wanna join a dance troupe, like now 

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Tell me something new... [31 Jul 2008|04:50pm]
[ mood | bored ]

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[08 May 2008|12:45pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I don't feel like having sex with anyone who isn't me. I'm going to tell all the guys that want me to fuck them or suck me off that I'm on a break and I don't know when I'll be off of it.

I'm back to being my jaded, cynical old self. Ever since I met my ex-significant other I was  a hopeful, optimistic, idealistic mess. Well, that shit is over. After that whole ordeal, I've become  a lot like the person I was before it all occured...only more aware of how happiness (like all things) is fleeting. There will never be one person or one career path that will make me happy and fulfilled forever. If anything, the past few years and months has taught me that there are very few things in life one can depend on...accept for the fact that all things must eventually come to an end.

This is much bigger than my situation with the English bloke. I'm at a definitive crossroads in my life and I have to start taking better care of myself and looking out for myself more.  I'm at a point where I know things need to change...to progress, but I'm having trouble figuring out how to go about it all. I feel overwhelemed by my life and that only means one thing.....time to see a therapist.

I have no real answers on how to fix everything in my life I've let fall into disrepair. Literally, every facet of my life is in trouble accept for the amazing friends I have, who've supported me througout all of this bullshit 2008 has thrown at me. Even when I'm content, there is still this feeling of hopelessness inside that I can't shake. I feel like even during the good times, what is the point of it all if I have nothing/no one to love. I think all people need a reason to get up in the morning besides a job. I want myself to be that reason again. I need to be the one I make sacrifices for...I need to be the person whose future I'm building instead of placing my pursuit of 'love' above all. Maybe there is someone out there for me....but he/she/it is gonna have to wait. 

Guys often ask me "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "You must have a boyfriend" and it pisses me off to no end. No, I'm terminally single and becoming more fine with that status by the hour. Finding guys that are worth persuing has never been an easy thing for me. In my lifetime, there have only been 3 men who I actively persued and all 3 times it ended with me being dissapointed afer I "got what I wanted" I'm not you're average guy so dating has always been a challenge. I'm well aware of the effect I have on men. Guys always tell me I'm sexy and I hate that. I want to hear that I'm an amazing person...that I'm talented, or that I'm interesting before I hear about how good my ass looks or how good my dick feels. I don't meet a lot of intellectually stimulating men and I when I do, they either can't handle the fact that I'm intelligent in addition to being sexy or there's sme othr stupid ass reason as to why we can't work out. Apparently, no one beleives in monogamy anymore. Most of the guys I've met are in relationships of some kind...and that just sucks balls. Why are you pretending to be single? So you can have a gauranteed piece of ass at home and different dick whenever you feel like? I don't have an issue with having multiple partners but be honest about it, at the very least. I think men sometimes forget that I'm a man too...I know how we are and I know how the game is played. DO NOT try and play a player. This dude I met a few months back has been married for 11 years and was spitting so much ridiculous game at me telling me how 'You got the kinda eyes that make me wanna fall in love" and singing dumb r&b songs to me. 

It had no effect, and I cut him off once I found out about his wife. He probably sings to his wife too....with my dick on his breath. Guys are beyond typical. A dude can tell you he loves you and in the same instant be thinking about this piece on the side he's gonna go fuck in an hour. 

My new motto is: "Fuck your love."

They are easy words that don't count for much to me anymore...even when I say it, which is why I won't anymore. I need proof...evidence of this love before I can sart to put faith into that phrase ever again. And even then, that doesn't gaurantee that I won't end up dissapointed. Alex asked me if I think me and Glen will ever be a couple and I told her it was highly unlikely. There's too much water under the bridge...no, that's not it. No disrespect to him, cause he's a great guy, but I think I can do better. Am I ready right now for something better? I don't think so. 

I have a lot of work to do. A-fuckin-lot.

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