(this post is really funny if you read it in the voice of Jennifer "The Loser Queen of Relationships" Aniston. I don't think she's a loser, I just think it's fucked up how she's seen as such cause she's not married and miserable with 80 babies)
I've been trying not to post anything Glen-related, but I've never been good at concealing my feelings. We've been corresponding a little lately and I've been keeping quiet about it since I made the declaration that I wasn't going to talk to him until enough time had passed until I could put what happened in London behind me. About a month ago after I deleted my facebook account, Amber told me an hour later, Glen messaged her and asked why I had left. She told him " It was because of you" which I really wish she hadn't. I deleted it because I didn't have a need for it and because I didn't need constant updates on how Glen's life is running just smoothly without me in it. Meanwhile, I'm as lost as I've ever been and every area of my life is in shambles. It served no other purpose than to make me feel bad about myself, and who needs that?
He told Amber to tell me to call him and I didn't even make the effort to do so. I messaged him on msn and told him why I deleted my facebook. He sent me one back telling me how it's totally up to me wether or not I want to correspond with him and I got the sense that he understood (finally) that this hasn't been easy for me (despite my many attempts to make it seem that way). I told him that I couldn't force it and that talking to him did nothing but remind me of how humiliated and dissapointed I feel.
I regret not telling him why I feel humiliated. I feel like I had all these extremely childish, naive hopes and desires that I knew were going to lead me nowhere but nevertheless, I followed these feelings all the way to London only to be told (unprovoked) "I just can't be in an intimate relationship right now"....which lead to me crying in a club. I never went to London expecting to leave with a boyfriend. I went there to see someone who had waited forever to see me and to spend two weeks being flirty, romantic, and having some good sex. What I got was a shitload of awkwardness on his part, an unprovoked rejection (when I had proposed NOTHING), and what I felt was him faking his feelings toward me to not make me upset, when in fact that had the opposite effect. I feel humiliated by my own doing...not his. I'd been in this situation before and I should've known better. I feel humiliated because I'm still hurting. I don't even know what love is, but I do know that I cared for this man immensely and he lead me to beleive he felt the same. He still tells me he cares and blah, blah, blah, but we can't work with the distance and all.
I never proposed a long distance relationship or any relationship, just to be clear. I wanted to find out if all the things he said to me still applied once we were in the same room and suprise-fuckin-surprise.....apparently they did not.
I told him in my message that I had nothing good to tell him and at this point in my life I'm just lost. Which is all true, I have no good news to share and I'm trying to repair my life after the great crash of '08 and i don't want him to be a part of that. How can we talk about my problems when most of my disillusionment can be credited to him?!
I'm incredibly disillusioned (I refuse to call it a quarter life crises) and I'm just trying to deal with it all the best I can. I don't hate him and I told him that I hope things can be easy between us as they were in the past but that day will not come in 2008. I need to get through this....without him.
More than anything, I miss my friend. I miss not having to associate him with tears or anger. Everytime I think i've cried my last cry over the situation, I play "Love is a losing game" by Amy Winehouse and the tears just start rolling.
Amber thinks that I don't wanna talk to him right now because "he's winning". Meaning my life is shit, while his is running like a well oiled machine. But I told her it's not even about that for me. I don't wanna 'beat' him. I know that eventually I"ll be just fine and it's a given that I'll have the upper hand in the end....that's just the law of life. For me, winning is still having him as a friend and not even desiring him in a romantic sense.
I needed to learn this lesson though. I needed to learn that you can work your hardest to achieve something...give it a 110%...and STILL fall flat on your face due to circumstances beyond your control. There's no such thing as a sure thing.